apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
