Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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