He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
