wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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