my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
