Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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