Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
