What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
