so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
