smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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