The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
