So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
