so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
