i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
