you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
