drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
