So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We need a shit load of segways right now
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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