My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
