I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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