Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
