Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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