I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
