I wish I could teleport
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
