i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
