it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
