21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
