the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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