I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
