if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
