I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
