you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
