someone get that fucking seahorse.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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