currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
