Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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