I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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