Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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