Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
