I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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