I should be sponsored by Trojan
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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