I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
