Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
