Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
