If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
