I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
