this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
