Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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