Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
