i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
