I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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