She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
