I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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